what to do, today?

Every morning i get up and make  my to-do list...a silly little list, really...just to get me going and to not be too overwhelmed by it all...i add important things like laundry, correct math with my girl, and dinner (yes, I have to write  to make dinner but that is for another post) ...i even add  blogging...

everything was ok this morning until i wrote it:

Wednesday, December 15

that date will forever be etched on my heart...

there is supposed to be something else on my list today....like celebrate a birthday....not the birthday of my oldest girl tomorrow (yikes-how do I have a 30 year-old ?) 

but the 7th birthday of my youngest....

i've not really spoken of this much except for here

it was a season that changed me forever. You do the math....yes I was 42 when I found out I was pregnant...after years of infertility and years of dreaming about having a large family...i was in shock and really not quite sure about it all... 42...really, God?

all was well until the 19 week ultrasound...

and it was over as quickly as it began...

my heart was truly broken..

i had guilt, i had sorrow, i had brokenness.

i spent the next 2 years desperately trying to have a baby to fill my empty heart and empty arms only to have 4 more miscarriages.

trying to fix it myself.

my 25th wedding anniversary will always be remembered as the day i found out i was pregnant with # 5

it was during this time that Miss Gracie's took off...an escape from the pain...the one place i could create beauty...

and then there was sweet surrender

seasons of growth are hard, they are consuming, they are necessary

but i am paying the price for that season...there have been other broken hearts as well...my daughters have not received the attention they have needed...my Mrs (she'll always my Miss) G especially...she quietly grew up in the shadow of it all...
and then there is  my home...it has truly been out of control...
that, too is for another post.

but today's post is for this

to remind myself and to remind you

that when the disappointments and trials come

and 

they will come

(in fact,  there are  new ones  here now)

 there is hope

these are just a few of the verses marked  in my bible 

with those painful dates

Hear O lord, and answer me,

for I am poor and needy.

Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts in you.

Have mercy on me, O Lord,

for I call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant

for to you, o Lord

I lift up my soul

You are forgiving and good,

O Lord

abounding in love to all who call to you

Hear my prayer, O Lord

listen to my cry for mercy

in the day of my trouble I will call to you

for you will answer me.

Psalm 86:1-7 

and

Consider it pure joy, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 

Perseverance must finish its work so that you must be complete, not lacking in anything.  

James 1:2-4

How very thankful

 i am 

for a God 

that is full 

of compassion 

and 

grace for all my insufficiency.

 If you would like to read more about all that i learned you can here

I can only go so long without a real post

all of the rest is just so fluffy

Now, that I've had  my time to reflect and to cry...

back to the business of this day.

laundry

math

dinner