Wednesday, December 15, 2010

what to do, today?

Every morning i get up and make  my to-do list...a silly little list, really...just to get me going and to not be too overwhelmed by it all...i add important things like laundry, correct math with my girl, and dinner (yes, I have to write  to make dinner but that is for another post) ...i even add  blogging...
everything was ok this morning until i wrote it:

Wednesday, December 15

that date will forever be etched on my heart...

there is supposed to be something else on my list celebrate a birthday....not the birthday of my oldest girl tomorrow (yikes-how do I have a 30 year-old ?) 
but the 7th birthday of my youngest....

i've not really spoken of this much except for here

it was a season that changed me forever. You do the math....yes I was 42 when I found out I was pregnant...after years of infertility and years of dreaming about having a large family...i was in shock and really not quite sure about it all... 42...really, God?
all was well until the 19 week ultrasound...
and it was over as quickly as it began...
my heart was truly broken..

i had guilt, i had sorrow, i had brokenness.

i spent the next 2 years desperately trying to have a baby to fill my empty heart and empty arms only to have 4 more miscarriages.

trying to fix it myself.

my 25th wedding anniversary will always be remembered as the day i found out i was pregnant with # 5

it was during this time that Miss Gracie's took escape from the pain...the one place i could create beauty...

and then there was sweet surrender

seasons of growth are hard, they are consuming, they are necessary

but i am paying the price for that season...there have been other broken hearts as daughters have not received the attention they have Mrs (she'll always my Miss) G especially...she quietly grew up in the shadow of it all...
and then there is  my has truly been out of control...
that, too is for another post.

but today's post is for this

to remind myself and to remind you
that when the disappointments and trials come
they will come
(in fact,  there are  new ones  here now)

 there is hope

these are just a few of the verses marked  in my bible 
with those painful dates

Hear O lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant
for to you, o Lord
I lift up my soul

You are forgiving and good,
O Lord
abounding in love to all who call to you
Hear my prayer, O Lord
listen to my cry for mercy
in the day of my trouble I will call to you
for you will answer me.
Psalm 86:1-7 


Consider it pure joy, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 
Perseverance must finish its work so that you must be complete, not lacking in anything.  
James 1:2-4

How very thankful
 i am 
for a God 
that is full 
of compassion 
grace for all my insufficiency.

 If you would like to read more about all that i learned you can here

I can only go so long without a real post
all of the rest is just so fluffy

Now, that I've had  my time to reflect and to cry...
back to the business of this day.


Fish Tail Cottage said...

loving your "hope" glitter sign! xoox

FlowerLady said...

Miss Gracie ~ What a beautiful, heartfelt and moving post.

May God's continued blessings and healing surround you daily.

Love and hugs from me to you,

podso said...

A beautiful post ... I don't think I "knew" you when you first posted about your loss. Thank you for the wonderful words about grace, pain, grieving, and the joy that comes in the morning ... most of all the Hope we have in Him. Sometimes pain seems worse around the holidays but for you it happened at this time of year.

Thanks for sharing.

Garden Antqs Vintage said...

This was a beautiful post, love the scripture and Happy Birthday too! Hope you have a wonderful day!!

Mrs. MK said...

Thank you for sharing all of this. It is so good to get it out and down on something....these days can then be remembered by the rest of us.

Love, always.

Olivia said...

Hello sweet friend! Hope is a wonderful thing! God gives you the desires of your heart and there are times when I think he is gently filling our hearts and we don't even know it. My heart felt heavy after reading your post. I have never miscarried, but I am a girl who used to think my dollies were real so I cannot imagine the terrible trauma that would bring!!!I am happy you are feeling hopeful! Here's a big squishy hug to one talented lady...I wonder sometimes how much pain it takes to get really talented? I can really create when I am hurting, sometimes I am happy too! Your friend,

Destiny said...

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I just can't imagine losing a baby. I'm glad that you found your way through the situation and have shared your story. It takes alot of courage to share a story like that. BIG hugs today! ~Destiny

Ellinor Forsblom said...

Lovely word
Ellinors Hus

glenda said...

Life is so hard just is...I have followed your blog for a while now, and I can see your family is your passion.
It's so good to know the Father and know there is always hope.
I love the tone of your blog and your pictures...
Christmas Blessings on you & yours.

cindy @ cottage instincts said...

I think it's just amazing that you took the time to write what you did. Our struggles and valleys of the shadow don't define us, but certainly change us and help create who we are each season of life.

I hope this day, a day you celebrate what might have been in the natural, will be a day of peace for you...even if the memories hurt a bit.


Sandi said...

Hi Rene,
What a heartfelt post. I can't say that I identify with you as I was blessed to have three babies with no problem, but I can hurt with you and share your burdens. We don't know why these things happen, but only God does and thankfully He will always be there for us in good times and bad. Praying your family has a truly blessed holiday season. How is Ms G ...loving married life???

Createology said...

Thank you for sharing. May you continue to find peace and serenity. Blessings...

Lori Katies Rose Cottage said...

Thank you Rene for sharing
those verses with us today ~
Yes we all do go through
trials and it is good to
be reminded that God
uses these trials to refine
us ~

hugs sweet friend,

Adrienne said...

Oh, my friend -
I understand this more than many others. I've been there more than once and know the pain and grief - and the days of remembrance. Thank you for sharing your day - and your heart - with us. We don't understand that He is the God of all comfort until we have experienced His comfort.

The French Bear said...

I do love these photos....what a wonderful sight, to see the Bible included...
Glad all is well with your lovely daughter, joy to my heart!!!!
I wish her a Happy Birthday and hope it was full of love and laughter, I am sure it was, you take care!!!!
Margaret B

Liz said...

Dear Rene...

Bless you for sharing.


kerrie said...

This is beautiful Rene. I did not know you lost 5. I lost 2 when I was 33 and 35. My first four children were all born in my 20's. I think my body just couldn't carry anymore after birthing and nursing for 8 straight years. The first mis-carriage didn't affect me as much because I wasn't sure that was what happened(It was during the time we moved half way across the country, so I didn't know I was pregnant and didn't have medical insurance to find out). But the second mis-carriage we mourned...the children did too. We were all excited to have her. And she already had a name Rose Juliet. So I still think of her and miss her. But I am thankful I will see them again in eternity. And you will see yours. ox`kerrie

Bohemian said...

Such a deeply personal and moving Post and so beautifully shared, it really touched my Heart! Though surrounded by beauty it does not mean that there isn't sometimes the pain and trials of life going on ... however, I do find that the fluff helps me to have a soft landing at times and being surrounded by what we love (Family, Friends, our lovely Found Treasures) and close relationship with our Lord has gotten me through even the darkest of times. God Bless you always.

Dawn... The Bohemian